streamlining

I’ve made an effort to streamline my life as far as the “social universe” online is concerned.  Haven’t been on here or twitter much, or a couple of other online places I usually frequent.  Facebook seems to be a good conglomeration of all of these places for me.  I’ve been very conscience lately about wanting to make sure I’m experiencing life, and engaging in it, not just writing about it and reading about it.  I want to EXPERIENCE life!  So, not so many blogs here.  What about you?  How’s your balance in that area?  Is the majority of your outlet for living through a computer?  Are you getting out and getting fresh air, seeing real live human beings, engaging with more than the keys on your keyboard?  Is it hard for you to keep that in balance?  Sometimes it is for me.  There are SO MANY interesting people, ideas, and things to learn on the internet.  I could sit here for hours and hours exploring, and very easily forget that I need to see a sunset, smell a campfire, watch the kids toss the football, go for a long walk with my husband, or watch the swans swim around in the bay.  And sometimes, I just crave privacy.  It’s so easy to share everything on the internet, and then I think, what’s left that’s “rare”?  The gems that don’t get shared, that are just my own personal collection tucked away in my heart.

I have often wondered about Mary, the mother of Jesus, when the angel Gabriel told her all he did about the baby she would have, Jesus, and it says that she kept those things in her heart.  If she had a blog, would she have zipped it right out there when it happened?  Or soaked in the experience of it all for awhile?  I think it would be the latter.  So, maybe I’m just busy “pickling” right now, lol!

Trust me dear, there is NO hurry!

My little darling 3 year old daughter is waddling around the house.  Waddling?  What is up with that??  Well, here is what is up.  

oh my Lord!!  Yes, that is a pad.  Sticky side up, mind you, not down.  Don’t think she’ll do that again.

Splenda poison??

I was talking to my sweet hubby yesterday, and told him I am just SO tired lately, and I can’t figure out why. For the past month or so, I’ve just been dragging so bad. Like when I was pregnant. Every time I was pregnant, I was on the couch for months, sick and unable to keep my eyes open.
No, I’m not pregnant, whew!
But he said something that sure did send a light bulb off in me. He said “ya know, I’ve been noticing that I’m really tired every time I drink a diet Coke with splenda in it”. !!!! WHAT??!
I used to have terrible reactions to Splenda. After a couple of weeks I would get really bad headaches, and I would ALWAYS have diarrhea from it within half an hour of eating anything that contained it.
But….I noticed a couple of months ago that I could eat it and not get a headache. And there was no diarrhea. Soooooo……my diet has been LOADED with wonderful no calorie Splenda. I mean loaded.
I only drink half of a can of diet Coke with Splenda a day. But I have protein bars with it, ice cream snacks, and mostly….Coffee Mate. French Vanilla with Splenda. and I.LOVE.COFFEE.
Drink about 5 cups a day. And just started adding the Coffee Mate about a month ago.
So, I go looking on line to see if anyone else is complaining of side effects. I’m going to research it quite a bit, but wow did I find some stuff.
I’ve been complaining of being so tired and extremely depressed. I know I’m going through “stuff”, but I’ve never dealt with depression like this before. The kind where I don’t want to do anything all day and night. Not like me at all. And so tired, I’m going back to bed after the kids go to school, and sleeping for another hour or two. Then taking another nap in the afternoon, then going to bed early at night!
I’ve always only needed about 7 hours a night, and have had no problem jumping out of bed in the morning to hit the treadmill, which I was really enjoying until a month ago. Then I just can’t manage to get myself out of bed.
I found SO many side effects. Fatigue, depression, weight gain, even cataracts, among many other complaints. Oh, I forgot to mention that my eye doctor said I have the beginning spots of cataracts! At 36! And he has no understanding as to why. I’m not diabetic, which can cause that, and never have been even in my pregnancies.
So, I’m going on a Splenda detox and am going to see how I feel. I want to be objective about it, so I’m not going to change ANYTHING else for at least a week. Just cutting out Splenda.
I had none today, and already I’ve gotten more done today than I did all week. I already feel better. I am a little tired, but didn’t go back to bed this morning. And I was up at 5:45!

Look for my Splenda Blogs….I’m going to write about what I find and experience as I research:)

Don’t agonize, organize?!

 

 

I can’t find any pens in my house!  I’m sure there are at least 500 of them, but I can’t find one.  Kind of like the girls’  hair stuff.  We call them “hair pretties”.  Ponytail holders, clips, barrettes, stuff like that.  They have a box almost the size of a shoebox that is supposed to be full from all of the hair pretties I have bought.  About every two months, it ends up empty and I can’t find them anywhere!  So I buy more.  And then two months later, it’s all gone again.  To where??  Who knows.  I will probably find one of the dozens of purses or bags that my girls have, filled with hair pretties someday.  Katie does that.  Lost a shoe?  Check a purse.  Who would have thought.  As for today, time to organize.  

I saw a sign while I was driving yesterday that said “Don’t agonize, organize”.  Yeah.  That hit the spot.  I’m totally  irritated that I can’t find a pen when I KNOW there really are at least a hundred here.  Time to organize.  That’s what I’m doing today.

Song by Ginny Owens

Love this song

update….it’s been forever

Okay, so I’m not blogging much lately! I’ve been too busy changing my life to spend time writing about it, for real. SO much has and is changing. I’ll give a short rundown, cause I still don’t have time to write all that I will about it someday.
I’m no longer in leadership at our church, no longer a minister there, and no longer continuing in the “ministry” as far as being a licensed pastor/preacher/elder/minister goes. Long story short….the ministry I have been a part of for the past seven years is just simply not healthy….too dysfunctional, and was sucking the life out of me. When there’s so much chaos and confusion that it requires all of your energy being spend on “leadership team” issues, and doctrinal and method disagreements with my oversight Pastors…because they’ve changed, I’ve changed, and sometimes not enough has changed and things just stay unhealthy for too long…..it’s not worth it anymore.
I still love God with all of my heart. I’m still at the church, though most times I’d rather not be. Why? Because my husband is still a minister there and I will support him. I am the third minister to step “out”, and two more are leaving, but my husband believes he has the grace to help bring health to this ministry once again, and the boundaries to not let it eat him alive. I pray he is right, and I’ll stand by his side, just untangled.
Also, starting an ebay business selling kids clothes (gymboree, childrens place, limited too, etc) that will be up and running by Sunday,woot! lots of work!
And then, drum roll please…..Something snapped and I refuse to live one more day with all of this extra weight on me and not do something about it. Started in January. Cut calories, eating healthier, working out 5-6 days a week. It’s gone from a number on a scale or the way I look to being “this is who I am every day”. I want what I do everyday, whether it’s eating, working out, ministry, loving others, time with my family, doing what I enjoy….to reflect who I am on the inside. So that’s where a lot of change has come in. I eat healthy, I work out, I care about the health of my body, AND my soul, and am releasing every heavy weight that has weighed both parts of me down.
I spent 4 months on a break from ministry to just hear God and discover the passions again that He placed in me long ago, and I’m getting back to all of them.
I love music….LOVE music….it’s my heartbeat….so why have I been preaching for the past 7 years instead?? who knows. Cause “someone” recognized a gift. Yeah, I can preach. Cause I’m a writer, I can communicate. But it’s not my passion. Writing is, singing is, piano is. I’ve ignored almost all of my passions to be this minister and make this ministry work….no more. Gonna take voice lessons (haven’t sang on the worship team in 7 years), piano lessons (have wanted to since I was 3!!) art lessons….been painting, drawing, sculpting…and when I get more weight off I want to take dance lessons too….used to dance when I was a teen.
I’m just being who I am now. Not who others THINK I should be anymore. And it is the MOST peaceful my life has been in many, many years!!
I was gonna share my “story” about ministry, but I don’t feel like taking the time to draw attention to things that aren’t right. It’s just as life-sucking as living in it. I want to keep being a light for the Love of Jesus Christ…and just keep loving Him, loving others, being an example of that love. Maybe someday….I’ll share my journey. I’m not angry, offended, or even hurt by the zillion things that have happened or been allowed to happen that shouldn’t have. People are people. They are free to make their own choices. and I’m free to move on and not let those choices create chaos in my life. I’m not the “church police”, but I am the police over my own life. I just put on my big girl panties and move on with life. Anything else isn’t worth it. Yeah, I did work through anger and hurt. It would be a lie to say otherwise. But offense and finger pointing? Not worth it. No thanks.
So, that’s where I’ve been! Oh, I’ve lost 7 pounds so far. Not a lot, but the changes in my lifestyle are HUGE. I just joined Weight Watchers on Monday, and am amazed at how full I am everyday eating within the point range they have set. I’ve found my craving for fruits and veggies again just in one week! And lost most of the sugar crazed wild lady that was living inside of me lol! I’ve fallen in love with my treadmill since January. 5am, me, my treadmill, Superchick! and Toby Mac and Hawk Nelson jammed as loud as they can get in my basement….and it’s a date 5 or 6 days a week! Got a wii fit too, so doing yoga and boxing and some other stuff:)
Love you all….sorry I was MIA for so long. Needed to take the time to let God show me ME again. I got lost somewhere in the craziness of my life.

To what purpose?

That’s the big question that has been at the forefront of most of my thoughts lately.  To what purpose?  That seems to be what was left over of my 2008 experience called life.  2008 was the most amazing, challenging, thrilling, difficult, prosperous, enlightening, stretching, enjoyable year of my life to date.  Yes, all in one year.  

I’ve had years that were enjoyable.  I’ve had years that were difficult. I’ve even had years that were challenging, or prosperous.  But I don’t think I have ever experienced a year where it was all of the above all in one year!  2008 was that.  

As some of you know, I basically went blogland AWOL for quite some time.  Then returned once or twice, then back again.  Mostly without at word as to why.  ”Relationship” says many of you at least deserve an explanation.  And that’s exactly what last year boiled down to.  The very definition of relationship in every area of my life.   Adding some, taking some away, redefining some, multiplication of others, contemplating some, analyzing others.  Relationship, that is.  

It started out with my relationship with God.  How we “relate”.  Complete change.  Extreme “God” makeover in my life, I guess you could say.  Still in the midst of that.  I think that’s a good thing.  I think I’ve come to conclude that if you think your relationship with God is comfortable, definable, content…then maybe you aren’t still pursuing knowing Him.  Just maybe.  This is, after all, a lifetime journey.  

Keep in mind that the thought still at the forefront of mind continually was and still is “to what purpose?”  Last year, Father God, or Papa as I love to call Him, gave me a really good taste of HIS purpose for our relationship that I had apparently been missing prior.  

His LOVE.  HIM.  HE IS LOVE!  HOW could I have been missing that?  Not so hard when you are in ministry and learn to make everything about everyone else.  Or about yourself.  And God becomes the commodity of the business.  Don’t be so shocked.  You’d be surprised to find out where God has become “commodity” in your life.  I think I may be spending a life time journey uncovering areas and thought patterns where God has been a commodity in my life.  I know, that probably needs lots of explanation.  And I will.  This 2008 reflection is obviously going to have to come in many parts.  

It started here.

Even reading that post from May, wow, I am so not the same person.  Not that I am yet sure exactly who I am, but I am in the proccess of letting Papa show me that.  Yes, letting HIM show ME.  And taking the time to look.  I have let so many other people in my life show me and tell me who they think I am.  And I have spent years ignoring the quiet little dreams on the inside of me.  

First He pealed back His chest and showed me HIS heart.  Now He’s pealing back my own chest and showing me MY heart.  And I don’t think I’m going to be able to truly see another person’s heart without both of those proccesses taking place first.  

Some could call this a “mid life crisis”.  I prefer to call it a ‘Pre mid-life reallignment” LOL!  I’d much prefer to “reallign” BEFORE a crisis happens! 

To what purpose?  

Part 2 will follow soon.

Changing seasons? Maybe not.

I haven’t really written “from my heart” in a long time.  I’ve been away.  Away from my heart.  Tucked in God’s heart for a season….and it’s been a good season.  But then that season changed.  Did I change it?  Did He change it?  Time will tell.  But changed it is.  Just like the leaves on the trees here in Michigan.  

God’s heart is amazing.  The way I described to my husband the past 6 months that I have gone through is this:  before, I had a relationship with revelation.  Now, I have a relationship with HIM.  Big difference.  But maybe not unless you’ve been there.  

The season change?  Now I stand with His heart before me, and revelation before me.  Mind you, there was MUCH revelation IN His heart!  More than I have ever imagined before in my entire walk with Him.  What I mean by this is MAN’S revelation OF Him.  

This experience, this encounter with the Lover of my soul….it was like nothing existed BUT His heart for quite some months.  I lived OUT of His love, His passion.  I saw everything and everyone THROUGH His love and passion.  It changed me in a big way.  

But then someone started telling me that there is stuff we have to do to get TO His heart.  Step one, step two, step three.  Like how you would get to the bathroom in someones house that you hadn’t been to before.  Up the stairs, down the hall, second door on the right.  Because it was his big revelation.  So it had to be right, right?  According to him.  The whole time I’m thinking….but I’m here, why do I need to know how to get where I am?  My heart led me here.  I saw His love, I saw His passion for me, for humanity, and I responded.  It was that simple.  

When did it stop being simple?  When did we start needing man to stand up for an hour and tell us how to go where we were before they told us we weren’t?  

Hmm.  Great revelation.  Someone else’s.  Here I stand.  At a cross road.  His heart……or man’s great revelation about how to get to His heart.  I don’t believe I’m interested in spending 40 years wandering in a wilderness following directions about how to get where I am.  I think I’ll stay right where I am.  It’s nice here.  Beautiful here.  

There’s nothing I can do to earn this place in His heart.  Nothing I can do to lose it.  He’s invited me here to dwell, not to visit.  Yes, I’ve invited Him into my heart, but He’s also invited me into His.  Have you heard the invitation?  He’s invited you too!  It’s as easy as saying “yes”.  

Isa 55:1-3

“Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink — even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk — it’s all free! 2 Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen, and I will tell you where to get food that is good for the soul! 

3 “Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, for the life of your soul is at stake. I am ready to make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the mercies and unfailing love that I promised to David.

NLT

Wells of grace

I was driving through a city a couple of months ago on my way to a baby shower.  I used to live in this city.  It’s the place I ran away to with my boyfriend when I was 16.  It’s also the place that Jesus found me and rescued me from myself and the grip of hell. 

This particular day happened to take me down some roads that I’ve not driven down in years and years.  Like about 15 years…since I gave my life to Jesus.  And down these roads were houses that I used to hang out at as a teenager.  Runaway, alchololic, drug addicted, sex addicted teenager.  

When I was born again, I was SO born again!  Old things passed away, all things became new, deliverance happened on a huge scale in my life.  I turned my back on my life, on sin, on the addictions, and never went back.  I have walked in the forgiveness of Christ every day since then.  When He said that he died on the cross and bled for me, and washed away all of my sins, I believed Him, and receieved that freedom.  

I haven’t dealt with guilt for the things I had done prior to being born again. Guilt accomplishes nothing but wrapping a person up in chains and making them ineffective in every area of life.  Jesus died for my guilt, and I believe Him.  

Yet driving past these houses that I had spent years at doing things that are unspeakable to most, a well of emotion rose up inside of me.  At least I thought it was inside of me.  I felt such shame.  I actually stopped my car.  I wasn’t going to leave that street with a bucket load of shame that didn’t belong to me.  As I begin to pray and listen for God, I KNEW it wasn’t my shame, and it wasn’t coming from the inside of me.  So I just asked Him, “God, if this is not coming from me, then what is going on?”  

He answered me with Romans 5:20- But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more.  It took me all of 5 seconds to understand what God was showing me.  He told me “you are seeing and feeling a well of shame that is being offered to you.  Don’t drink it.  And where sin (or shame) abounds, My grace much more abounds. Drink grace.”  

I realized that whenever I ran into a well of shame being offered to me…I had the choice to drink it, or drink from the well of grace that was THERE, in the SAME PLACE!!  WOOT!!  Talk about taking the fear out of going back to those old places and feeling shame.  After He told me this, I turned my car around, drove right back to that same street, even drove by 3 houses in that neighborhood that I frequented.  I parked outside and said “God, I’m drinking YOUR GRACE right now in this place!!  Pour it in God!”  LOL!  Immediately the shame left and the presence of God and the joy of the Lord was so overwhelming that I couldn’t help but laugh and cry!  

The freedom of Grace.  There is nothing like it.  EVERY place, every situation, every memory, every mistake, every sin, every shame…..there is a well of Grace waiting there for you. Drink deeply from it!  

There is no shame, no sin, no memory, no mistake that is greater than God’s grace.  Grab a cup…take a drink…it’s an overflowing well!

choose life

I will not look at me

So don’t tell me what you don’t see

I’m gonna look at who I am

by the blood of the the Great I AM

Who I am is Who He is

Not who He was Not who I’m not

Don’t tell me what you see

If you can’t see Him in me

Cause Him in me is all there is

I died with Him and I am His

I’m a dead man walking in a place called earth

His life and breath came with new birth

I had to die to be born again

and I’m not gonna stare at crucified sin

I’m setting my eyes up above

HE lives again, I’m filled with His love

Don’t try to get me looking at dead flesh

I’m not focusing on a dead mess

Jesus suffered and that was enough

He died and took with him with all my dead stuff

but that wasn’t the end so I’m not stopping there

He tromped on the devil and broke his snare

the devil aint got nothing on me

Jesus said he’s powerless and I believe

if I choose to focus on all he does

I lose sight of Amazing Love

I start to believe that’s who I am

a deafeated, broken, miserable scam

So I’m gonna keep looking at what is true

Jesus didn’t just die for me and you

He also tromped on the devils head

and then he came back from the dead!

He’s not a story in a History book

He’s not a future promise for us to wait and look

He’s right here, and He’s right now

He says as He is, so am I, Wow!

Stop looking at dead flesh and stories gone by

Stop hoping that someday we’ll see Him in the sky

Waiting to fly away to be free

When freedom is now, can’t you see?

It’s not all gonna change when you’ve done enough

It’s not all gonna change when you’ve finally fixed your stuff

It’s not all gonna change when you live as perfect as a nun

It’s not all gonna change till you recognize the Son

Who He is, not Who He was, 

Him here now with life giving blood

You can’t do what’s already done

Stop paying for your sins, Father sent His Son!

Start cashing in on the check He’s given

Receive His love, and just start living

I’m not just talking about getting saved

I’m talking about dying for the life He gave

How can you walk in New Life alone

if you keep dragging up all your dead bones?

Maybe if you peek at who He says you are

You’ll stop seeing who they say you aren’t. 

Kelly Chorley 

2008